last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
