he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
