Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
