i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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