Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
