Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
