I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
