I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
