I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
