Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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