if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
