I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
