the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
