Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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