wanna go halves on a baby?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
