i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
