I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
