how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
