i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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