im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The adults are the big ones right?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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