So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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