party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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