the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
