i think i have herpe
just one?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
