I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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