I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
