If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I believe in your delicious
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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