does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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