Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
