Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
