she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
