dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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