boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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