Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
