so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
