I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the day after is always just damage control
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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