she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
