I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
