You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
