Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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