is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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