the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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