How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
