Just fell off a train. Bad.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
