GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
