now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
