I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
