my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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