Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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