i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
