I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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