I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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