After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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