everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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