so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
