11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
