So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
